Silchar Broad Gauge debunks Friday 13th Myth

Friday the 13th is known as Black Friday, It is believed nothing good can happen on this day. But we in silchar broke this myth today. After 18 long years and against all odds we proved...something good still can happen. 

 

I thought about writing a long post, but then I remembered what you English teacher used to say. "A picture is worth a thousand words". And today I am at a loss for words.

 

 Hence, here are my thousand words.

y.

The Holi Vengeance

Chairman: Where is the secretary? Why is he late every day?

Exam Controller: sir, he is a man with lot of responsibilities, lots of work at home. He comes to office only to escape the work at home.

Chairman: I too work at home. I cook, clean, wash my wives clothes, iron them. Give her bed tea, prepare breakfasts, serve breakfast. Still I manage to reach office in time.

Exam Controller: sir, his In-laws are staying at his place for a few days. His workload has doubled. He bribed his way into this job with the dowdy money he go from his in laws. He owes it to them, sir.

Chairman: OK, let’s start without him. Did the Sweeper Ram Singh’s boy prepare the Exam routine?

Exam Controller: yes, sir he did. He is very smart for a 16 year old. He even typed out a printed copy from the computer machine. children are so brilliant these days.

Chairman: But tell him not to leak the routine to his friends before we announce it officially. Last time we gave his father some papers to check, it ended up as cow fodder. Even worse, the press reporters found it out. Made us look so bad.

Exam Controller: No no sir, that was the watchman Yadav’s doing.

 Greedy fellow sold all the papers to the kabadi wala without checking even. By accident it landed in the hands of the reporter, pure bad luck sir.

Chairman: Enough of your ranting. Give me the copy of the routine. I will put my signature and seal. And be done with it for this year.

Exam Controller: it’s with the accounts officer sir, I gave him to make Xerox copies for everyone, since he has all the money.

Accounts Officer: No sir, I have no paper with me. Save paper save trees. Also, save plants sir. I love plants they are wonderful. Such heavenly pleasure they give.

Chairman: you are smoking a joint in here? And Why is you joint so big?  Ohh my God…Did roll up the Exam routine into a joint?

Exam Controller: yes, sir I think he did. I can see the economics exam dates near the filter.

Chairman: you moron, what have you done. Now we will have to make a new routine ourselves, So much work. I just cannot handle the pressure. Pass me the joint immediately; I need to think.

After a three rounds of ‘Joint’

 Chairman: What do these little Buggers think, Giving exams every year. They think they are better than us. Every year they have to appear for exam, year after year, year after year. We get no breaks.

Accounts officer: true sir, no breaks. Must have break…Or I will break.

Chairman: They have been screwing with our happiness for so long. This time we will show the Buggers who’s the Big Boss. Chairman, What is the toughest paper according to students?

Exam Controller: Math’s  sir.

Chairman: And do we have any festival during exam time, find out a big festival…bigger the better.

Exam Controller: Holi, sir. This year Holi is in March, Kids love to play Holi. They absolutely love it.

Chairman: Good, Put math’s exam on the day of Holi.

 (Evil Grin) This Holi Day no Holiday. Take that you little buggers.

Tea Cronicles

The morning was both cloudy and windy. The winter had almost come to an end; still a sudden spurt of rain had made the air chill again. The sky was overcast with clouds turning everything into a shade of grey. I had my old black windcheater on just keep the wind out. At 7am in the morning the street was almost empty and the shops are yet to open. Only the central road  chai walla had open his establishment.

 I came every day to the central road tea stall just opposite the Hanuman temple as a part my morning ritual. I stop here for a cup of sugary tea,  brittle toast biscuits and my daily dose of local politics. I never buy my own copy of the local newspaper.

Why buy when you can read it for free.

The newspaper at the stall is free,  But there is a catch, Whoever comes early has first dibs on the paper, everyone else has to wait. Early bird catches the news.

However, today Nag babu had beaten me in the newspaper race, He was here early and now he is enjoying the News  as I stand in waiting. Nag Babu is a retired government employee. One of those who have lots of time and not much to do. Its not that I disapprove of his leasure, I just envie him. Retired people have no work; he could come read it anytime .There is all the time in the world for him. Therefore, I decide to pursue my urgency.

 I put on my best pleading voice and said, “Can I have the paper, please”.

“Can’t you see I am reading you will have to wait” Nag Babu replied and mumbled something about the young being impatient.

First attempt failed but I was not about to give up.  I knew Nag Babu could be stubborn. But, I too had a few tricks up my sleeve.

Nag Babu’s dearest possession recently is an IPhone, a gift from his NRI son. He keeps the mobile phone in a pouch that goes around his neck. He talks to his Son, grandson and daughter in law in America; he can see them while he speaks something called space-time or was it face-time. One day he got the call from America while sitting in the tea stall, Nag Babu made everyone present and sipping  say hello and wave at the phone. Even the chai wala had his image broadcasted into the land of America for 3seconds.

But today the phone was not at its usual place around Nag Babus neck. So I decide to dig a little deeper.

“Uncle where is your phone?”

“None of your business, anyway I don’t have balance”

No, no uncle I don’t want to make any calls from your phone, I said, I just wanted to know if ur son and his family was safe?

“safe? What do you mean safe? Why would they not be safe?” said nag babu, his voice is a pitch higher than usual.

“didn’t you hear the news?”

“What news are you talking about fella?”

“Oh, It’s not in the local paper. I read it in the times of India this morning”

“What the news tell me?”

“oh it was all over the news, TOI ran a full page story,I subscribe to times of india at home. Noting like a full page report”.

“for the last time boy, what is the news?” nage babu was now like a loaded cannon, ready to go off any moment.

“America was hit by earthquake” lots of damage and loss of life, al power lines are down, roads have developed huge cracks, flyovers and bridges have fallen. Heavy damage to property uncle, it is a very bad situation. (I learned that when you lie make it grand, its more convincing)

Hearing this Nag Babu jumped up and raced towards his home. A feeling a triumph filled me along with a little guilt. I had lied to an old man but it was a harmless lie no real damage done, I thought to myself. By the time I picked up the paper all my guilt was replaced with glee and I sat contend reading the paper all by myself. I will have a lot of explaining to do tomorrow. But that’s a battle for another day.

Silcharo Kali Puja Ghura

As a child Kali Puja has always been about fire crackers. The streets became a war zone of an unofficial cracker competition as the kids in one house tried to outdo the others around.  The more crackers we got the happier we were. The 28(athaish), Atoms, and the Rockets were the best of all. Alas, I never got any of these bad boys.

In a firecracker competition the more noise your crackers made the closer you are to victory. I never won any of these competitions. Thanks to my father, who believed Diwali is the festival of light and not sound. As a result all my crackers had a lot of light but no sound.

All I could hope was that my neighborhood kids were in my line of sight while I set off my array of sound less; light filled firecrackers. While they made sure to save the loudest crackers for until bed time.

Crafty little fellows. 

Though out of sight, they could still target my eardrums.

In my Hometown Silchar we celebrate kalipuja in the most innovative of ways. Puja Pandals are made out of bamboo, thermocol, little glass botttles and many other ingenious ways items you might think of.

But most of the Puja committees are obsessed with the idea of building a 'GUHA' or a cave. This fascination with 'Guha' has lasted through decades and still today, a few pandals make their 'Guha's.

Personally, I have always been petrified of these. As a result, whenever we come across a pandal with a Guha; I stand outside, as my friends clamored to get inside. Standing outside is not such a bad thing as you may think. You stand outside and look at pretty girls who have just come out of the Exit area.

This year, while I was standing outside one of the pandals, I noticed a girl as bubbly as a bumble bee coming out of the exit. As she strolled past me, I blurted out 'is it scary inside', 'I heard there are real skeletons in there?'

‘No, its not that scary, its rather fun’, she said, 'haven’t you gone inside?'

‘No, my friends ditched me’, I said, 'and I am too scared to go alone'

‘oh poor you, don't be scared’, she said, ‘come I will show you’.

I still stand outside the Guhas whenever I go pandal hopping. But I am no longer afraid of them,  I am rather  fond of them now.

Silchar Honkers

To keep my blog happy and just to be relevant to the title I dedicate my first ever blog post to all the honkers of the Universe. Whether you ride a Luna or a star trek space ship you must have honked at some one at some point in your life (or Boinked someone, if not what are you doing here? Get the hell out… this is a mature blog) And my special salute to the honkers of Silchar, Hats off to you guys coz you are awesome! This is because the Honkers of Silchar seem to have found the ultimate secret that honking is not a need but a pleasure in itself. It is so much fun to blow the ear drums out of the passers by who in the midst of clouds of dust is trying hard not to fall into one of the open culverts while you sit in your air conditioned cocoon of steel try to make the guy shit his pants with your Horn…ah that feeling, truly divine.

There are several forms of honking which I shall explain in great depth my forth coming book “The Punk Who Sold His Horn” (make sure you get a copy) …more on that later. In Silchar Honking can be a very pleasurable pass time. The other day I was struck in traffic and I noticed the insane amount of Honking that goes on, the guy in front of me was the winner of them all. It was almost as if he was trying to blow the traffic away with the sheer decibel power of his horn.

You must be wondering by now if I am one of the Honkers? The  answer to that would be a “No” with a lot of pleasure, but sometimes when I curse the Honkers or give them the finger, I get Honked down by the guy with a big Horn. So this new year I have planned to get myself the biggest and loudest horn I can find and I am gonna carry it around and Honk down the people who Honk at me. I too want to taste the pleasure of Honking :P (also check out my new DVD “The pedestrians Revenge” now in stores)